Uchiha Sasuke's Guide To Parenting
by panda-sensei
Summary: Annoying, obnoxious, exasperating and immature. But I guess, that's why I fell in love with him. It's just a pity that he had to be my son. SasuNaru, Yaoi, Lemons Later, Language, Probable Age Gaps, Possible Angst? Reviews are rewarded with foodstuffs.


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.:**Uchiha Sasuke's Guide To Parenting**:.

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Warnings;

Language, right now.

Disclaimer;

I don't own Naruto. Never have, unfortunately, never will.

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The petite blond-haired boy was dragging him by the hand.

_Dragging him by the hand._

Uchiha Sasuke was not _dragged_ anywhere.

Hell, if someone so much as _touched_ him without permission there was hell to pay.

So why?

Why was said blond child still alive and kicking? (Figuratively speaking, of course. Nobody kicked Uchiha Sasuke and lived.)

Was it the blond eyes? The adoring smile that lit up the little idiot's entire face? The way his blond hair just managed to fall sweetly into his eyes?

Hah. Uchiha Sasuke laughed at such speculation.

Of course not.

He was required, by _law_ not to kill, maim or harm the little nuisance in any way.

Tch. Law.

Uchiha Sasuke decided that when this entire 'issue' was over, he would find some way to destroy this obstacle in his path.

Uchiha Sasuke did not take kindly to nuisances.

"Sasuke-chan...."

Sasuke mentally twitched.

_So informal._

"..Yes, Naruto?"

Said blond was staring up at him, obviously trying his very best to muster the 'kicked puppy' look. He looked constipated.

"Can I...d'you think...no, you'll just laugh..."

The twitch was back. Sasuke had the feeling it was going to become a frequent visitor to his daily life.

"What, Naruto?" Sasuke sighed, trying not to let his patience slip. Uchihas were many things, but they were most certainly _not_ impatient. The blond was twiddling his fingers, trying to appear nervous--

--and failing miserably. He was just not subtle enough.

"Could I..._please_..." -_twitch-_ "have some ramen?"

_Oh dear god._

It was then Sasuke noticed why the question had arisen.

The not-so-conspicuously-placed ramen shop near the ice-cream parlour.

_Joy_.

Sasuke made a mental note to have the place burned to the ground once they were home.

"Fine."

The sun broke from behind the clouds, birds sang, fairies danced amongst the children on the beach, the entire street broke into song...

You would have thought so, from the look the erupted onto the young boy's face.

Christmas had come early for Naruto.

"IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!"

_I may vomit._

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_I am never feeding him again._

_The noises that he makes whilst eating would make baby Jesus cry, _Sasuke thought, disgusted. He himself, of course, had neglected to buy the 'delicacy' that the blond insisted upon eating; thankfully escaping Naruto's wrath by using the 'vegetarian' excuse. Then the 'ate earlier' one, and then after _that_, simply 'not hungry'.

The child was the most persistent little insect that he had ever had the misfortune to come across.

_And he was stuck with him._

Possibly for _eternity_.

God, he hoped not.

A nudge to his right leg brought him back to his senses with a dull (but obviously elegant) thud. The alarm bells were ringing.

_Constipation investigation 101!_ _Kicked puppy is __**back**__._

"...More?"

How he wished he could drag the boy by his ear and sell him to undertakers.

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_Rule number forty of living with Naruto; avoid car journeys._

_At all costs._

He had never more seriously considered driving his (beautiful, shiny) car into a ditch or off a bridge before.

He imagined that Naruto's last gurgled words would be something trivial or irritating, however; and didn't think he could suffer the indignity of his last heard sentence being

'_Is there ramen in heaven?' _or something to the theme of, so he ploughed bravely on.

...Sod the law, if Naruto didn't stop kicking his seat, he would throttle the child.

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How he managed to get the boy to bed that night, he didn't know. He made a mental note to severely cut the boy's sugar intake; it had taken him at least an hour to get the boy to stay put, in _his bed_ no less. He sighed, and poured himself a small brandy and coke. He didn't particularly like the stuff, it was just a habit he'd settled into after having to deal with _her_. Ugh.

No sooner had he settled down into the comfortable armchair in his (rather sizeable) living room, than the house phone rang. Cursing, he leapt to his feet, trying to silence it before Naruto woke up, demanding food or a bedtime story or something.

He rose the object to his ear.

"...Hello?"

"...Sasuke?"

Mentally cursing, Sasuke considered hanging up.

"Yes, father?"

"Oh, good. It _is_ you."

_Who else? Naruto? Don't be stupid, he probably wouldn't even be able to answer the damn thing. Though maybe that's something I should change...I'd certainly be able to avoid talking to __**you**_.

"Your mother and I were talking the other day. You remember the Haruno girl?"

"Father, we've already been over this. I'm continuing the family in a way that doesn't affect anybody. I don't want to marry her."

"Yes, Sasuke, I know, but we were thinking it would be better if an heir were actually _blood _related. You can say as much as you like about 'I'm continuing the bloodline my own way', but in reality, this child is _not_ an heir."

Finger hovering over the 'end call' button, Sasuke silently seethed. There was no way on _hell_ that he would marry Sakura. He highly doubted that his father knew what she had done, or rather _tried to do _to him, but he didn't forgive, and he didn't forget.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going near her. Why don't you ask _Itachi_?" He hissed, and then ended the call. He walked over to the wall and disconnected the phone, then every other phone in the house. If anybody worth talking to needed him, they could call his cell phone.

He knew it had been a low jab, but after all his father had said and done in his childhood, he was tired of it. He had adopted a child just to try and keep him happy, but in the end, even _that_ wasn't good enough. It was far too late to abandon Naruto now, and even he, _Uchiha Sasuke_ wasn't that heartless.

He missed Itachi. He missed him, and he _hated_ him.

He had no idea what his leaving had done; how much it had set the already unstable household into even more turmoil. He had killed the remainder of his childhood, and worst of all, he had destroyed _him_. Left him alone and friendless.

"Sasuke-chan?" A small voice nervously interrupted his inner angsting. Naruto was standing nervously by the doorframe, one hand absentmindedly playing with a lock of his golden hair. "Are you alright? I heard a raised voice..."

There was something strange in the child's eyes, but Sasuke didn't dwell upon it. He shook his head, furrowed brow clearing to his usual calm mask.

"Nothing. I'm sorry if I woke you. Do you need anything?"

Naruto looked, if possible, even more nervous now. Nothing compared to the boisterous, obnoxious Naruto of earlier.

"I, uh...would you mind coming and sitting with me for a bit? –Not for long, or anything, just until I fall asleep..."

Sasuke scrutinised the younger boy for a moment, seeing uncertainty in his gaze, and then nodded. He stood up and walked to the boy at the doorframe, then walked him to his room.

"Are you going to tell me what this is about?"

Naruto nervously scratched the back of his head.

"I had a bad dream. If it's a trouble, don't worry..."

He walked to Sasuke's bed and curled up, arms hugging himself tightly. Sasuke walked over to the chair beside his bed, and sat down, watching the blond as he began to fall back into his slumber.

"Do you, uh, think I could have a...hug?"

"What?"

"...Never mind..."

Sasuke watched the boy for a few moments more before getting to his feet and walking over towards the bed. He carefully lifted the covers before lying behind the body of the small boy before him, careful not to upset the blonds' comfort too much.

He could hear the boy's quiet breathing before him as he carefully slipped his arms around his waist. The breathing rate quickened, perhaps with surprise as he hugged the child, Naruto's warmth against his chest. He let his own breathing slow as he felt Naruto relax slightly, slipping off into his dreams, and inhaled the boy's unique scent. Some sort of vanilla-y fragrance, perhaps the scent of freshly-mown grass...and...

Ironic, perhaps, that he still smelt faintly of ramen.

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_A/N: Right, this is to kill my writer's block._

_I'm trying desperately to write a 'happier' fic, and this is the result. If it's still far too morbid, please dear god, tell me. Also, tell me if it does have happier moments or 'humour' *twitch*_

_Anywho, please review! Tell me what you think!_

_I will still be updating my other stories, have no fear._

_Treacle tart for reviews._

_I adore treacle tart._


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